I will wait for you.
Baby let's talk SUCKERPUNCH. I will attempt to make this as nonspoilery as possible, though I cannot vouch for the comments and humbly request if anyone has anything spoilery to add plz be whitetexting it? ♥
First off what I didn't like about it, to get it out of the way: The movie has about as much exploitation as you'd expect. Seriously, just look at the costumes. The film does put a lampshade hanging on it with the characters mentioning shallow exploitative shit so at least it's self aware in that aspect. I can forgive a lot of faults in a story that acknowledges he faults are there.
There is actually a lot less over-the-top oooohhhsexytimes moments. You are lead to believe they happen off-screen, but instead the movie cuts to GIRLS FIGHTING GIANT MECHANIZED SAMURAI or DRAGONS or ZOMBIE ROBOT NAZIS (none of these are hyperbole. They actually exist. However awesome you are imagining it, I promise you, you are not imagining awesome enough). This movie has to be the most lesbiansubtexttastic films I have seen in a while as well - there is no handsome young male lead to play love interest like most chick team action flicks. The only men in the movie are either total scumbags or not worth note. At the same time, the movie doesn't attempt to beat you over the head with the lesbian subtext. There is no ooohhhhsexytimes we're totally gonna make out cue Katy Perry (there is a brief Queen musical interlude, however). The most physical contact the girls have outside of WE'RE BATTLING TOGETHER WOO is they hug each other. It is girls (in, yes, skimpy outfits but no more so than roller derby really) bonding and fighting alongside each other. God, I ship all of the things. But especially Babydoll/Sweet Pea.
While Babydoll (Emily Browning, in the center there) is not a 100% silent protagonist, she manages to drive the story with very little speaking lines. I'm fairly certain she doesn't say a word within the first fifteen minutes. Those first fifteen minutes also manage to jam-pack an hour or more of buildup with a very artistic, very FUCKING CREEPY musical montage to (what I believe is a cover of) Annie Lennox's Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This). It goes up there in the prestigious spots of one of my favorite movie openings of all time, along with X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Watchmen. Which makes sense, as Zach Snyder did Watchmen as well.
Also I have a love of Surreal Fucking Bullshit. Seriously, if you weren't aware of it, I have an unhealthy love of this. I love crazyass dream sequences especially. I want my movies to double as ART.
SuckerPunch FUCKING DELIVERS. I suspect Inception was supposed to get three crates worth of Surreal Bullshittery but instead two of the crates got lost in shipping and one arrived half-empty and they just managed to stretch it really far. Those two and a half missing crates of Surreal Bullshittery arrived at SuckerPunch by mistake and instead of forwarding them to the correct address SuckerPunch shrugged and decided to not question its good fortune and overload their movie with an overabundance of SURREAL BULLSHITTERY and I FUCKING LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.
Now admittedly I know I have a problem with most of my media that I love in that I tend to see a deeper story that was never intended. I let my love of metaphor get away from me and I make it into something greater than it was, and I do fear that may be the case of SuckerPunch. It's entirely possible I was not watching the same movie as everyone else, but I don't care, because the movie I watched was nothing short of beautiful.